I think one of my problems with being so involved in this industry is my lack of normal feelings for someone and those basic feeling about liking someone, sex etc. I have become so numb to the feeling of first time relationship, sex and just ‘wanting to be with someone’, that to actual have the ‘butterfly feeling’ for someone, can be quite interesting. As always I look into my own feelings and experiences as one way in understand how people feeling and especially my clients and friends.
The butterfly feeling, and honestly this effect is some thing that I strongly felt disappeared years ago when I started this business. Yes, I still get the butterfly thing about my business especially when I get a huge order, new products, new designs and new clients. The growing effect of my business has definitely been the major high in my life for the past 4 years. But the butterfly feeling I am writing about is the feeling when you met someone you want to be with. Unfortunately the past four years, I have been with people that I couldn’t give a 'rats ass' about being with or not being with, but no one has created a ‘spark’ in me for a long time. It ironic that my best friend and I were discussing the possibility of a challenge for me might just be the push I need. Challenges are definitely exciting and what we proposed was seeing if I could possibly change a gay man into a straight man by the end of the summer. Challenges and bets have always been an excitement for my part, but honestly I was being to wonder if due to being in this industry, have I lost the butterfly feelings.
So what are the butterfly feelings they are the feelings you get when you met someone and you know that there is something more about this person. You felt something; you have no idea what exactly it is but there is something there. My gut feeling has been woken up again. Honestly I have not had the butterfly feelings for a long time, and these are not the desperate sex wanting feelings, because sex has never been an issue for me. When I want it, I get it, no problem. But the butterfly feelings are something different, they are when you want to be with someone, not just for the sexual physical thing. There is more to it than that. They are the feelings of nervousness, something unexpected.
So many of my clients have told me about the butterfly feeling, and honestly I have had a difficult time talking to these clients about it because I have not had them for such a long time. Therefore thinking that I am losing sight of what my clients feel and experience.
They are amazing feelings when you want to know more about someone, and of course I now get why so many of my clients do not want to ‘fuck’ up the situation with the person they have the butterfly feelings for.
Okay, so that comes to the feelings you have for some and how to express them to that individual. Honestly, you got go with what is on your mind, don’t hold back, just be honest with the feelings and go with the gut. Yes, being so vulnerable can be scary what would be worse, not trying and missing out on the opportunity. Go with the gut and just try your best in expressing your feelings. Don’t worry you are not in love, but at least you are still alive and you have feelings. Do not hold back. The worst thing that could happen is that the individual might say ‘no’ but at least you know the truth. Then at least you know.
The butterfly feeling based on a rejection is not bad, one way look at it as the fact that you are still alive and still have feelings. I know the way I feel now with the butterfly feelings that I have for someone, is that I am thankful that I have them as I honestly thought something was lost from me. But I am glad they aren’t.
As for pursuing the individual who gave me the butterfly feelings, I am working on it, but I am thankful they still exist, when I honestly thought I lost them forever.
Update - June 16, 2004: Okay, wholly shit, he surprised the shit out of me. The perfect male package, and yes everyone it is male. I still can fall for a man, right. I think the thing I like best is that I just like hanging with him, it's not all about the sex and seeing how fast I can run out the door after. It just has meaning. As my best friend says, "He can definitely eat peanut butter and crackers in your bed." Absolutely !!!!
